news and social responsiblity

i never really counted on getting work before graduation, sure i hoped for it but i never thought to think about what the effects might be to my emotions, my schedule and my over all well being. i know some of you may be thinking, with half of the country worrying about the unemployment rate, what am i complaining about? i guess its just that im feeling really lonely lately and ludicruous as it may sound- i feel im losing confidence in my self.

okay, lets backtrack a moment- newscasting is a very serious job- i mean SERIOUS. its bad enough that im such a boring person, but do i really have to have work that's indicative of my personality? sheesh. i also feel that i came into this vocation prematurely, they had me training for two weeks then i went off to talking on air about united nations secretary generaal kofi annan and the bicameral confrerence committee on the e-vat bill. there are times when my eyes and mind would refuse to understand what im reading on the internet news sites. also, at the moment the production person's hand goes down to signal im on, i sometimes get this big choking feeling between my throat and chest- which i absolutely do not understand why since i've hosted tons of engagements with hundreds of people before me. also, ive been a dj for a year before so that should have me prepared for these one minuter stints every top of the hour.

i have a problem. i think this is the first time im actually admitting this- im bad with criticism and failure. eww, i must sound like a priss. but really, i have this tendency to take a small mistake of mine, repeat it in my head, curse myself for not doing better and instead of getting up from the fall- i wallow in self pity. i know some people who have seen that in me but keep themselves from pointing it out to save me the embarrassment. they just pat my back and say things like "its going to be okay" or "you can do better next time" one time i even heard someone(we are not close) "mahirap pala pag di ka sanay magkamali (it must be hard when you're not used to committing mistakes). the first two remarks i can understand and am really grateful for their loyalty but the second one i'm not sure if it was meant to be comforting or sarcastic.

i'm struggling right now to face my mistakes on air an in the two months that i have been here i have: 1.) i happened to play the wrong gap of commercials during the first sunday morning of my board, it was 5:30 in the morning and since no one else was at the station, i thought i was looking at the 6am page of the commercial log. 2.) i once repeated the closing billboard- i'd already mentioned the sponsor then instead of saying my name already i said the sponsor again, the i said sorry on air- which is like a big no no in newscasting, and said my name so everyone knew that stupid newscaster who committed a mistake on the six o clock evening news (drive time-primetime) 3.) trapik dot com called on teh last two seconds before her slot, so i told her teh commercial gap in which she was to air was over, but that left me with like four minutes short of the top of the hour single, so i had to inject a song, stupid me i chose a song to follow mark mcgrath, so i thought i melt with you would sound good so i put it in the playlist on the computer- uggh! i played the version of modern english which ultimately sounds so eighties it did not make a good segue- what i actually had in mind was jason mraz's version. humph 4.)then last week raymundo punongbayan died in a plane crash- i have great respect for the man by the way, my being a pinatubo survivor and all- i aired that on teh six oclock news again and said PHILVOLCS in a no nonsense way when right after the news somebody called the station- with the government's pcso and pagcor our biggest sponsors- and corrected the boss saying it should have been PHIVOLCS. i cried. the bosses didn't really tongue lash me or gave me a memo or something, actually they were very supportive- they erased the recorded tape of that particular news item. that was when i realized- oo nga pala- we're on the same side, and they're protecting me from losing credibility as a newscaster 5.) just when i was about to go on air i realized i had the wrong sponsor on my news script- uggh - i had like two gaps each two seconds long in between mentioning all three sponsors of that news item. i had forgotten the actual tag line that goes with the real sponsor and that caused me to almost choke with the fear of getting in trouble. eck 6.) i played the wrong time check time- it aired 9:36 when it was actually 10:36- needless to say nescafe called and said i made a mistake on their payed slot. 7.) i said danlex then split second wrong sponsor thought corrected my self and mentioned the real sponsor- dynavit the competing brand.

oh well i called a friend of mine the other day- she works for the first radio station i worked for, she comforted me by saying there are worse things than my mistakes- and that these do not define who i am and what else i can do. i called her because i know for a fact i can count on her and that she being in the same industry would understand what these mistakes mean on the radio. i'm getting a well deserved break this saturday and am going to meet her to hang out probably at the mall or something.

anyway- this post has been cathartic- i hope to do better soon- beginning today im taking no chances and will be doing everything over and over and rechecking and again. i really believe nobody gets to become good in their chosen fields without going through these rights of passage. the big peopel in the media industry at the moment could have most definitely at one time or another coughed on air or said worse things like somebody was dead when they were fighting fro their life at the hospital still, whatever it is they've been through i bet they can look back on and think they've passed the test and am proud of what they've become.

im gald to be in this industry still. not everybody gets the chance to have the metro for their stage to voice and educate what is good and proper and actually be heard. i know the social responsibility that goes with this job- i look at my thesis and know i've proved that any seemingly lame thing that goes out is considered big and sinfluencial. i hope i worthy of my calling. right now i decide to do better and prove just that. i have a very strong poem memorized for the job:


DON'T QUIT
When things go wrong,
as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest! if you must; but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up, though the pace seems slow;
You might succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man,
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup.
And he learned too late, when the night slipped down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit;
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit!