at a standstill

i have been out of school for four months now and i am terribly missing it. i long for the constant mental challenge and spontaniety of it all. funny, i, who would shut myself in the library for hours at a time to avoid the noisy students shouting at one another for no reason, do hereby admit it now- the silence is killing me.

i have been working for the last four months and i have increased in waist size for the mere fact that all i do is sit infront of a computer surfing reuters, cnn, bbc, abs-cbnnews, inq7, and etonline to await the news and re-write it for fm radio adaptability. i like my work but i do not like the weight im putting on because of it. back in the day i had this image of myself losing weight by the time i became a working person. but no, we have free donuts everyday, free coffee and when the people in the program committee have a meeting free pizza or whatever they are having. however, i guess its a choice we make to put on the L-Bs.

i miss running after my dear professors to submit a project/ paper i have fininshed in the last two minutes before deadline (yet again). hey, im a person who works best under pressure and i like the blood rush of running, i used to say. now, the only excercise i get is about a 150 meter walk in total everday.

also, when i was in school, i spent my money to the last drop in everyday that came. that is to make the exception of course if i was saving up to buy something special or go somewhere special, which i would tell myself i deserve for working so hard at school. i used to see mcdonalds, jollibee and several other fast food chains plus starbucks to boot. now? i take a packed lunch to work. i see a fast food chain and think of what would my hundred peso bill buy at the market to take home. i do sometimes give in to a combo one meal but that's once in every fifteeen days. what i spend in a day these days is one third of what i used to spend in a day in college.

i used to see an occasional movie which i did not mind paying. hah! i no longer watch a movie unless its the station's movie premiere of the month which i get to watch for free by the way. we have had batman begins (which i do not recommend by the way), hotel rwanda (which i found very moving), war of the worlds (which i refused to watch precisely because of the whole media blitz about tom and katie prior to the movie- in other words i found the promotions too fishy to attempt watching it. i was not mistaken, the reviews agreed with my view- it was a hurried movie which does not live up to the genius of speilberg.) and of course charlie and the choloate factory (which by the way was FANTASTIC over all- and woah! jhonny depp's portrayal of michael jackson, i mean willy wonka was superb- you cannot tell that he is the same person who did edward siscorhands or captain jack. nobody could hav done it better in my book)

plus, i used to ride an fx taxi to where ever i was going. my excuse then was my allergic rhinitis could get worse if i keep riding the jeep. now i fight to get my fifty centavos of change from the driver or kunduktor of the jeepney and demand for the official tariff released by the land transportation franchising and regulatory board. i simply bring a spare hankerchief to protect my nasal passage from the pollution.

do not get me wrong i earn enough to get an average 22 year old by in a month. in fact i earn more money than many hardworking laborers in this country. i like my job and the whole lot of people i work with. the thing is ms. expenditures has finally learned the value of money.

funny how we as youth were pampered till the age of college where in fact we should have been shoved into the ways of the world at an earlier age. i cannot say i that i have been looking at the world with rose tint glasses for years but i did not view it as cruel either. what im driving at is my world is at a standstill at the moment. i am neither here nor there. i'd give anything to get a bird's eye view of my life right now just to get back to being trh driven, passionate person people know me to be.

it used to be i was driven to move towards the goal of the next examinations, the next term, the next activity. but as of posting time, i am at a loss as to where i am headed. i probably need an outlet- i just do not know what. any ideas?