masks

don't be fooled by me. don't be fooled by the face i wear. for i wear a mask, i wear a thousand masks. masks that i'm afraid to take off and none of them are really me.
pretending is an art that is second nature with me. but dont be fooled for God's sake dont be fooled.

i give you the impression that i am secure, that all is sunny and unruffled with me, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game, and that i need no one, but don't be fooled by me. my surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my mask. beneath the mask is the real me...confused, frightened and alone. but i hide this. i don't want anyone to know it.

i panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed, that's why i create a mask to hide behind a nonchalant, sophisticated facade to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. i know that such a glance is my salvation. i know that if it is followed by acceptance, if it is followed by love, it is the only thing that will assure me of what i can't assure myself...that i am worth something, that i am lovable.

but i can't tell you this. i don't dare.i'm afraid to. i'm afraid that your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. i'm afraid that you will think less of me, that you'll laugh at me and your laughter would kill me. i'm afraid that deep down i'm nothing, that i'm nothing, that i'm no good and you will see this and reject me. so i play my desperate game with a mask of assurance on the outside and a trembling child on the inside. and my whole life becomes a mask.

i chatter away with surface talk. i tell you everything that is nothing and nothing of what is everything. but when i go through my routine, don't be fooled by what i am saying, please listen carefully and try to hear what i'm not saying, what i'd like to be able to say, what i need to say but can't.